we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
