you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Everclear isn't food dammit
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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