I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
