I think I died a long time ago.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
