Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
