On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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