He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
