I love black thongs
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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