I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
