I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
