So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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