and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
