I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
