Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
