Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Why did my mother make you get naked?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
