If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
