May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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