i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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