The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
