we have officially lost it.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
