I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
