i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
