MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
this will be a night to untag.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
