so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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