Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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