I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
