sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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