told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
