Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Say something about gay babies.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
