I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
