its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
