I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
