you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
we're so committed to being not committed
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
send nudes
from the living room?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
