so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
