She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
