I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
