every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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