i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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