if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
