In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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