Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
