I wish my penis had an off switch
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
