When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
