I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
