i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize