GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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