i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
