I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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