Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
