HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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