So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
