you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
